The Blues...

Hello Dear Community

I hope you all are having exactly the kind of Saturday evening you enjoy the most.

I’m lounging with Noah, waiting to take my meds and go to bed....always need to wait 2 hours after eating before taking the last of my pills. Tonight I ate late (8:00pm), so at 10 I can take them and go to bed.

They lowered my Prednisone just a touch more, so this I am grateful for. Let’s keep going with that....

But over the course of the past 3 weeks, since the first taper, I’ve been really feeling the Blues. Side effects? Maybe.

Trying to flow with it, this Roller Coaster of happy, content, Blah, exhausted, tearful, anxious........and so on.

I am also taking a little less of my anti-anxiety meds since I am taking less Pred, maybe all that is effecting me. They wanted to put me back on the same dosage but I declined, "like a Big Girl" (Ha) because really, I want to wean off all of that stuff anyway and get my mind and spirit back fully. So I’m strapped in and riding the wave.

I never was a huge fan of Roller Coasters, that’s my brother’s deal. But I’m told you are supposed to keep your eyes open and don’t hold your breath, and it makes the ride a little less horrifying, seems the same can hold true here in this situation.

I am to that point in this sloooooooow healing process where I am tired of being tired, tired of feeling restricted, tired of taking pills and just plain tired of the routine.

Whew. How does one find the sunshine in all of this? The silver lining, the happy "Have a nice day smiley face?

I manage, I do ok most of the time. But get me alone with my mind and my thoughts and all the above mentioned stresses and I am weepy and worried.

On Oct 16th I will have my 1 year Biopsy and feel worried about that and then feel worried that I feel worried.

UGH, just stop already!!

Certainly I am having an opportunity to see where my mind goes and lots of good and juicy emotional things are showing themselves for me to look at, resolve, work out, release.....

It’s like I am finding my truth in my crazy medicated mind. Does that sound like something a mental patient would say? "I’m not crazy this is who I am". I have no idea.

So here in my heavenly home on Eagle street, surrounded by our lush plants, and our kitties with concerned looks on their faces and my husband and his patient dear heart, I make myself suffer or I laugh it off, or I feel pretty darn good, or I feel lonely and isolated or some assorted new feeling.

And I think to myself, I guess I get to experience this because there’s not too much escaping I can do, all I can do is keep my arms inside the car, make sure the safety bar is locked, keep my eyes open and breathe.

Big Prayers please for Vibrant continued remission and my Complete and Unlimited Health and Healing.

For all of you Love, Love and Only Love.

Happy Saturday and Sweet Sweet Dreams.

Namaste
Victoria

Just a reminder...

Hello all

Sorry if you are seeing this for the millionth time or if you have already donated. It’s getting close to the event and I am getting excited.

I figured some of you may want to donate and put it on the TO DO list and well, you know, sometimes that list gets so big.

You may or may not know that I am have made the commitment to walk in the Fundraising walk Light the Night, sponsored by The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society.

We will be walking Oct 18th in San Francisco starting at Justin Hermann Plaza to the Ball Park and back. It is a beautiful site to see. Everyone will be carrying illuminated Balloons, Red for supports of loved ones with Blood Cancers, White for Survivors, and Gold to honor those who have passed.

I was able to walk last year, in between treatments, and after a very serious round of treatment that kept me in the hospital for nearly 46 days.

I felt blessed to be able to have the strength to walk and share in this profound experience.
It was so moving to me I promised I would be there this year and here I am in Remission, getting stronger every day, and I get to be one of the speakers to share my personal story with all the walkers.

The one thing I noticed last year is that there weren’t enough White balloons.
This is why I walk and try to raise money, so more research for treatments can be done, so that there is more funding for clinical trials and more funding for support for caregivers and patients.

75% of what is collected goes to these programs. I think that is amazing!!!!

During this fundraising process I found it often difficult to ask for money. But as I stepped out of my comfort zone I realized that this is coming from my heart, even the smallest donation is important and it’s OK if someone says no. And sometimes all you have to do is ask.

I thought I would send another email because many times we say, Great Ill donate and then get sidetracked and forget. Such is life right, we all do it.

I am here to remind you........I’m here to ask again.

If this calls to you, then please donate and know that any amount is a helpful amazing amount. And any amount will make you feel warm and fuzzy!!!

You can go to my direct web page to donate online; you can even fill in your own amount if you want!

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanFr1/2124_Apronkittie

If you would rather send a check, send it to
Victoria Wallach
9 Eagle St
San Francisco, CA 94114

Please make checks out to
The Leukemia and Lymphoma Society

Our team is doing really well. We currently have 16 people walking.

We met our goal of 5,000 but we have surpassed that and are at 6,665.00. We are going to keep going till it is time to walk!!!

My goal was 3,000 and currently I am at 3,200, I’m going to keep going too!!! Maybe I will make it to 4,000!!!

Thank you for taking the time to read this and for your consideration to donate.

As you know this is near and dear to my heart. I feel blessed to be carrying a White Balloon and will carry it and walk with the love of all who have prayed for me and supported me with love over the past 18 months. I’ll also be carrying 2 gold balloons one for Brenda and one for Liza my Heroes in this Fight.

Gratitude and Love Love and Only Love

Just some fun pics...

In Berkeley with Chris Karr, Goddess of Crazy, Sexy Cancer Fame. She's wonderful!!



Artsy pic of me at the Marinhead lands on Sunday with Noah



Noah and I framing ourselves



Blue sky art



Mother Nature at her finest



Noah

What a Stem Cells good for...

Hello all
I visit a couple different blog sites of people who are in Remission or going thru treatment.

I got this from one of my favorites. In case you were wondering what Stem Cells can be used for, other then blood cancers.
And why it is important that it doesnt get outlawed by our crazy current government


Current Clinical Use of Adult Stem Cells to Help Human Patients:

Autoimmune diseases (multiple sclerosis, lupus, juvenile and other rheumatoid arthritis)
Stroke
Immunodeficiencies, including a new treatment for severe combined immune deficiency (when used with gene therapy)
Anemia
Epstein-Barr virus infection
Corneal damage (full vision restored in most patients treated in clinical trials)
Blood and liver diseases
Osteogenesis imperfecta.

Cancer treatment (in combination with chemotherapy and/or radiation):
Brain tumors
Retinoblastoma
Ovarian cancer
Solid tumors
Testicular cancer
Multiple myeloma, leukemias
Breast cancer
Neuroblastoma
Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma
Renal cell carcinoma

Cardiac repair after heart attack (clinical trials announced Spring 2001)

Type I diabetes (not stem cells as such, but pancreatic islet cells from donors)

Cartilage and bone damage.

I just thought it was interesting.

Namaste
Victoria

My favorite Poem/quote...

This has always touched me very very deeply.

I was watching a movie today and they used it in the movie. Please enjoy. This is by Marianne Williamson, often people think Nelson Mandela wrote it because he used it in his inaugural speech, but she wrote it and it appears in her book A Return to Love.


Think about it. What a way to live. What would the world be like if we all lived this way each day? Each day we woke up and said I am going to let my Light really shine, I am not going to be afraid to show who I am, whom I was meant to be.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

Namaste
Victoria

Just a little Hello...

Hey there Lovely Community (I started this Friday but am sending this now)

I hope all is going well in your part of the City, Country, World.

Things are good here. Today is a good day. And it is so beautiful outside.

Today I was filling the little sock that these sweet little yellow finches eat from....and boy do they eat and poop.

I was sitting on the stairs and a humming Bird came right up to me about 2 feet and was click and buzzing around me.

Maybe they will start using the feeder.
Maybe the word is out that I’m that nice Bird Lady on Eagle St.
Whatever the case, time stood still, because everything moves so quickly for that fast Humming Bird. And truly I was filled with joy just to be trusted by this bird, just to be investigated by her. It felt like blessing was being bestowed upon me.

Big blessings for all the winged ones that soar above us, that help to plants seeds, that eat the bugs and do their part in this Circle of life we are all apart of.

I’m taking less prednisone,
I’m talking less Tac, the other immune suppressant
They lowered my anti-anxiety pills from 3x a day to 2
I’m making lots of platelets and red blood cells and my white counts are much lower (a good thing)
I’m getting my Pulmonary Function test soon to see the big improvement in my lungs
I’m getting my 1 year Bone Marrow Biopsy on Oct 16.
All is well
I’m very much Alive and very much loving being Alive and Grateful for that fact.

So how much more blessed can I be. Then a Humming Bird comes by to say hello.

Side note: My first day in the hospital back on April 30 2006, I was looking out the window. I was up 5 floors and there was basically a wall there and then some view of a park. But low and behold 2 Hummingbirds were dancing near my window. They gave me such peace; even in that scary moment

In Peru the Humming Bird represents the connection with God, Creator.

Oct 24th will be one year since the transplant, which is just a little over a month away. What a year this has been!!! What a Life shift I’ve experienced.

I hope you all have an amazing weekend. Do cozy things if it is rainy and cloudy like it is hear in SF, or enjoy the sunshine of Autumn if its sunny and crisp where you are.

Big Love Big Prayers
and Lots and Lots of Joy!!

Namaste
Victoria

Happy Happy Joy Joy...

Hey all

I’m feeling lots of joy today. I really am. Maybe it’s because it’s Friday, Maybe its because of the beautiful flowers Noah sent me, maybe its just that it is so good to be alive!!

But I am feeling the joy for sure.

I just got back from yoga. That’s 3 classes this week. I’m going to do one tomorrow too. No I’m not over doing it. My lungs are loving it. My bones need it. My head and spirit long for it.

Its funny, I can’t walk up my front stairs without a good panting session but yoga flows. Don’t get me wrong yoga is a far different from before but it feels really good spending that kind of time with my body and breath.

Lets face it those of you that have walked up our front steps can attest to the challenge they can present to anyone...even those with strong healthy lungs. They are steep and there are about 25 of them. Soooooooo.

That is the true test to me. When I can climb those stairs with just the smallest "normal" effort. I know I have arrived. :)

Today in clinic I was told that I only have to go once a week. I didn’t even have to ask for that one. That was an unexpected gift.

The effects of going down on the prednisone is already showing up in a normal white blood count. The white cells go way up on Pred along with other counts.

I’m hoping soon Ill be taken off the Beta blocker for blood pressure because my blood pressure was AOK today.

I’ve heard here and there that it can be rough in other ways coming off of that stuff (the Pred) but Doc Martin likes the slow trail so hopefully it will be nothing but ecstatic joy as it gets lower.

I was so excited last night. I bought a big plastic container of ladybugs for the garden they are good at eating the pests that destroy the plants back there. But mostly I felt bad for them and I wanted to set them free.

So you have to let them go at night after you watered, they don’t fly at night and this gives them a chance to eat drink and make their home in the yard.

This morning I went out there and they were all over the roses and other plants and they were happy. I wanna get more and set them free. You can even get Praying Mathis. I want to set them all free everywhere.

I’m trying to grow flowers so the humming birds will come around...they don’t like the feeder. I hear them all over the place but haven’t seen them. So we'll see all the seeds that Noah planted for me are popping up big time. Its summer in SF in Sept and Oct, so maybe they will bloom in time for a little humming Bird action. I also got some to attract butterflies.

At the front of the house I hung this sock like thing that is filled with seeds and about 3 dozen yellow finches come and feed off it. And boy do they eat up a storm. I think I’m going to be their caregiver for a while now.

Zeus sits at the window licking his chops, while Katrina can’t be bothered. The birds...they just carry on and eat. I’m trying to get them to not fly away when I walk up the steps...but we'll see.

Maybe I can be “The Bird Whisperer"

So there is just so much life here at 9 Eagle street. A beautiful back yard, Birds at my front window, lovely plants all in my living room thriving, Noah and I loving each other up and enjoying each other.

My Grateful and Blessed Remission.
So much life
So much Joy
So many blessings.

I hope you are finding all those things in your life in this very moment, right now.

Happy Friday and may your weekend be filled with even more of the same delightful things.

Purrrs Prayers, Love and more Love

Namaste
Victoria

Ups and downs and satisfying times...

Hello Dear Community

I hope you are having/or had a beautiful Wed.

Today was Photophresis and boy did it wipe me out this time. Yesterday I felt energized afterwards. I even took a yoga class in the early evening.

But today I came home and took a 3 hour nap and still am trying to "wake" up.

It feels like my lungs are improving in very subtle ways still but man oh man I am sooo tired most of the time, especially after 3 or 4 PM. This is so frustrating for me. I know it is my body working so hard and some of the meds I’m on, it feels like nearly a year ago after the transplant.

I have been doing my best to take yoga but still haven’t fully committed to walking around the block everyday, which I need to incorporate into my routine. I have started to paint and that felt good. Well I painted one day. Maybe I’ll walk and paint tomorrow.

The yoga feels good and has given me an opportunity to be with my breath just as it is, it is very limited at times and I find myself in resting poses often. But other times I can move with grace and I feel the strength in my muscles starting to come back. That feels fantastic.

This is a far cry from the full vibrant breaths I had when I was teaching. But it is teaching me to be joyful with where I am and what I have in this moment.

It’s a gift that I can get myself to class and move and breath and experience yoga.
I learned a lot from my yoga teacher last night; she spoke a lot about finding satisfaction in the moment with what we have. And that if we cant do that we will always be chasing that "Thing". So this is what I am trying to work with.

I want to honor my frustrations and release them but at the same time I want to be satisfied with this moment and what it is giving me.

The good news is we went down on my Prednisone dosage, so I went from 20mg to 15mg. I will be on this for a little while, like 3 weeks or so. And if all goes well and no reactivation of GVHD then we will go down more.

I intend to work with my body on this and that there will be NO reaction, only rejoice in my body for having less prednisone in it. The Photophresis is the replacement for the prednisone and aside from the big chunky needle that goes in my arm it is pretty painless and passive and fascinating.

Things are going well with the Fundraising for Light the Night.
I have heard here and there that sometimes the URL doesn’t work. I think their system gets funky sometimes. But the fundraising is still going on, up till about Oct 15 or so, the Walk is Oct 18

Here is the URL just in case
http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanFr1/2124_Apronkittie

Checks can also be sent to:

Victoria Wallach
9 eagle St
San Francisco, CA 94114

Checks should be made out to:
Leukemia Lymphoma Society

Also if you are interested in seeing CRAZY SEXY CANCER and don’t have cable let me know and I can burn you a copy commercial free and mail it to you.

Just email me at:

[email protected]

And I will burn one for you and send it off. It is totally worth the watch and very inspiring.

Have a beautiful evening, sweet Dreams and a delightful day tomorrow

May love and peace fill your hearts.

Purrs, peace and Love and Prayers
For all of our Complete Unlimited Health and Healing.

Namaste
Victoria

With a Heavy Heart...

Hello Sweet Community

It is with a heavy heart that I write to let you all know that my friend Liza Matlack passed on Thursday Aug 30th. I received word this morning.

I believe that she was 35 years old.

She was beautiful, was a professional dancer of rare African dances, she taught children these dances among other things, and had a sassy sneaky radiant smile. She was strong and sweet and a fighter.

I love her very much.

My heart is very very heavy. Please pray and send love and light to Jim Santi Owen, her amazing partner, he was at her side every step of the way, and for her family and their friends.

They lived in the Berkeley CA area and left for Houston when they were told by UCSF that there was nothing more they could do.

They went to MD Anderson, one of the leading Cancer hospitals, for clinical trial treatment. They left all they owned, and lived in a hotel I think and made their home there. They made the best of it and fought hard every step of the way.

The last time I saw Liza, I don’t know how long ago that was maybe March....we were sitting on the floor at the clinic talking and laughing, she was wearing a red wig to cover her STAR TREK head (that’s what she called it) even though she was weak and the nurses asked if we needed chairs. Liza smiled and said no thank you we are just being us, sitting here, we are fine. She always made me smile.

This is just a reminder and wake up call of how serious Leukemia and other blood Cancers are.....and adds fire to my determination to raise more money for Light the Night and tell my story which becomes even bigger as time passes.

On Oct 18th at Light The Night I will be carrying 3 balloons
One Gold for Brenda Danato
One Gold for Liza Matlack
and One White for myself and my deep humbleness and gratitude for my own Survival.

Please keep Jim and their friends and family in your prayers. And please keep Liza in your prayers and she finds her way to the arms of The Creator and the Sacred Mother. I know she is at peace now and her love and every part of her is radiating out in everything that surrounds us.

Life is such a blessing, such a mystery, such a fragile gift we are given.

Today please pause in your prayers and also give thanks for what you have in your life, thing big and little things, and how precious all those things are.

Thank you for all your continue support and love and prayers, which have been such an important part of my own survival and healing.

OMMM Shanti (which means om peace)

Many prayers and blessing to each of you and each of your beautiful lovely fragile lives.

Namaste
Victoria