Waiting and breathing...

Hey all

Although it is a beautiful day here in the SF. I’m feeling impatient and cranky.

I am anxious about the testing tomorrow and just can’t see to tell if things are better. Either way there is a solution.

Just antsy that’s all.

That feeling of just wanting to go to bed so I can wake up and it will be tomorrow.

Not a good example of being in the moment.

This breathing thing is perplexing. I see to be able to breath fine doing yoga breathing (in and our thru the nose) But it is those deep thru the mouth breaths that are a little bit of a struggle.

And its not really my lungs that hurt it is more the top of the chest.

Then I wonder well my resting heart rate has been hovering around 85-90bpm, usually I am at 65 and my blood pressure is high (for me not so much by their standards), I usually have low blood pressure, and don’t these things tend to make one breathe heavy?

All these things are the results of the Prednisone (ahhhh that crafty Medicine).

I think I need to lay down put one of my dreamy CDs in and let it whisper in my ears that I am strong and patient and healing. and as I drift off....I’ll mumble my mantra to myself and Zeus and Katrina who so willing flank my sides while I do this part of the day like that.

"I breathe with ease and my lungs are strong and healthy."

Anyway all…

Thanks for letting me share and bringing back to the moment.

Enjoy your day/evening.
Sweet Dreams
Deep Breaths
Purrrrs, Prayers and Love

Namaste
Victoria

Remission at 9 Months...!!!

Hey All

Good evening!!

I just wanted to share that I received all of my results from my bone marrow biopsy and I am in Remission!!

Not a shock to Doc Martin et all.

But a great relief to me of course, it is always good to hear that word. REMISSION is a beautiful and powerful word!!

My lungs are OK. Although all vitals were good today, I’m feeling the strain of my lungs today. Wheezing a bit. too much stair climbing to do laundry.

This coming Tuesday I am taking another Pulmonary Function Test. Doc wants to see 20-25% improvement, before he will go down on the prednisone dosage. If he doesn’t see that instead of going up on it he wants me to get a procedure called Photopheresis. It has to do with cycling my blood thru a machine that exposes the T-cells to ultra violet light and I guess they calm down and hopefully stop attacking. It is a 4 hour procedure and similar to when people give platelets, blood goes out, gets the light and goes back in. This is something they do.

But..............lets try prayers first ok?

Lets think improvement without having the weird procedure.

So my prayers right now are to have a 30 to 50% improvement, at least 25% but it would be nice to have a bigger improvement then that right. Hey if we are praying and creating a different reality why not go for a bigger number with a disclaimer that we will take 25%.

I’m praying hard, talking to the Prednisone, asking those damn T-cells that are fighting me right now to calm down, visualizing a truce between my dear sweet lungs and those ambitious T-cells.
Join me in your prayers and meditations, and visualizations and all that you do.

Tuesday is the day around 10AM PST.

This weekend is about resting, resting, no stair climbing or walking over extending myself.

Thank you as usual Dear Ones.

You are all always in my prayers every night and I am full of gratitude that I am able to pray for such a huge group of people that have such loving hearts.

Purrrs
Peace
Prayers
and Big Healthy deep Easy Breaths for all of us!!

Namaste
Victoria

Relentless...

Hello Dear Community

Noah and I are back safe and sound from Chicago.

Gosh I love that City!

I do have to say, that it was more challenging then I had anticipated. And that I didn’t realize how fragile my lungs were until I started to walk around, do the airport thing (ugh) and try to just in general be a tourist.

I managed though and listened to my body. Napped when I needed to, listened to my guided visualization CDs every night and sometimes in the afternoon.

The heat and humidity was difficult and I’m happy to be in the moist foggy air of SF. yummie!!

But we had a great time. THE COLOR PURPLE and WICKED and the Gospel at House of Blues were all wonderful.

I got to see my Aunt Carol and Uncle Jim and Cousins Patrick and Nancy. I haven’t seen them in YEARS, I’m talking years and years. And it felt so natural and welcoming and loving to connect.

My cousin Patrick is like a powerhouse for fundraising and not only was generous himself but has been rallying his coworkers and friends to donate to Light the Night.

I admire that, I’m the one walking and asking for money is challenging at times for me. Money is a weird thing and can make people uncomfortable and feel pressured. Why is that?

But I started thinking about a few things.

My red wrist band that has been on my wrist since October was given to me by the Leukemia Lymphoma society. It says RELENTLESS.

That means a lot. That is how they are in that organization, which is why there have been so many improvements in treatments and care. That is why so many more people are surviving, especially children. Because they are relentless to find a cure and that has been done thru raising money thru Team in Training and Light The Night and tons of other fundraising programs.

The question came up, how much of the money goes to the actual programs and I was told at least 75%

I think that is pretty good percentage and I know first hand that there are not a ton of people who are paid in that organization and there are a lot of happy volunteers.

So I just wanted to put that out there for you, in case you were thinking one of these things.

1. I wonder exactly how much of that money goes to programs
2. I can’t walk because I don’t like asking people for money, could I raise enough?
3. What difference can 5.00 make or whatever I can give... (The answer it makes a HUGE difference, because with any donation goes intention and THAT is powerful)
4. What ever else you may or may not be thinking.....like man, that Prednisone is making Victoria pushy and aggressive :)

Whatever the case may be, its OK. I think these things sometimes too.

But then I look at my wrist and I see the red band and I see the word RELENTLESS and I think how many times in our lives have we had to be Relentless to have something amazing happen? I bet at least a few times.

I think of my cousin with his sweet heart getting all his people to donate and I'm like wow, he is RELENTLESS, and even though I am just getting to know him again, I am pretty sure this is one of his shinning qualities.

At the end of tonight’s loving rant I am cutting and pasting the response I received from my contact at LLS.org. I asked her exactly how much of the money raised goes to all the programs.

I'd love for you to see what she had to say.

I love all the support you all give whether you are able to give money or not. Whether you are able to join the team and walk. Your prayers our powerful, your intentions felt, your love seeps into my heart and is aiding in my healing right now. Please know that.

I just had to send out this email, because this is what I am thinking about, waiting to take meds, eyes half open, running on Central time.

Sweet Dreams all...

Thank you for all you do. Thank you for Relentless love and prayers and Visions of my full recovery and return to Full Vital Health!!

Below is the response I received.


WHERE DO YOUR DOLLARS GO?

The Society is proud to be one of the most efficiently managed non-profits in the country with approximately 75 cents of every dollar spent directly on mission-related activities.

Research: Since 1949, the Society has invested more than $483 million in research, $58 million in fiscal year 2006 alone. Society-funded research has directly contributed to many breakthrough cancer treatments, such as, chemotherapy, bone marrow and stem cell transplantation and new, targeted oral therapies such as GleevecTM, might never have happened were it not for the kinds of research funded by the Society.

Patient Services: The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society provides a wide range of services to patients such as family support groups, an extensive educational web site with web “chat” support programs, free seminars and conferences, and direct patient financial


WE ARE RELENTLESS FOR A CURE

The bad news…

• There is no known cure.
• Leukemia remains a leading cause of cancer related death in children.
• Leukemia and lymphoma are the leading fatal cancers in young men under 35.
• Every five minutes, someone is newly diagnosed with a blood cancer.
• Every ten minutes, another child or adult is expected to die from a blood-related cancer.
• 785,829 Americans are presently living with leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkin’s disease or myeloma.

The good news…

• In 1960, the five-year survival rate for children with the most common form of leukemia was just 4%. Today, it is 80%!
• A newly FDA approved drug, Gleevec, has been shown to normalize blood counts in nearly all patients with chronic myelogenous leukemia (CML).


Namaste
Victoria

Update from Chicago...

Hello All

I thought I would send a quick update from Chicago.

We arrived Saturday afternoon and walked a bit and had a nice dinner

Yesterday was a BIG day. I think we over did it a bit. For Brunch we went to The House of Blues for food and Gossip music. It was fantastic, but energetic. I had to get up and clap my hands.



We walked a bit but geeeez I have to say the heat is really draining.
So we did rest at the hotel a bit, had dinner here and went to see The Color Purple.
Wow loved it. It was moving and fun.

But I realized that the day was too full.

Today Noah is in meetings, I’m taking it slow getting myself out of the room, am going to have a long breakfast and do some window shopping near by. That’s about it. We are seeing my Aunt and Uncle in the burbs early this evening so I’m mostly am going to just hang and recharge.

Maybe find a place for a gentle massage and mani/pedi.

Don’t worry tho. All is well. I know when to stop. I’m not trying to be whirlwind travel grrrl.

But boy I love Chicago; it is such a cool city.

If I could do a lot of walking I’d be all over this place looking at the cool sculptures and art everywhere.

Sending you love and other updates soon.

Namaste
Victoria

Prednisone..the drug you love to hate,but really should love...

OI Vay!!!!!

I’m doing better everyone. Everyone noticed in clinic, breathing is better all around. I’m not gasping for air when I climb the stairs to my house.

A lot of people are breathless when they climb those stairs anyway.

But over all I’m feeling better.

Its that balance of doing nothing and doing everything.

Rest, go slow, breathe, listen to guided meditation CDs, take cat naps, the whole med routine plus other stuff thrown in there. Repeat my mantras, stretch my chest, open up my heart space.

Talk to my lungs, rest more, let go of worry....... all of it.

Today they gave me 2 more mouth rinses because my mouth is still giving me grief. Hey why not throw that into the mix.

I’m getting good at the routine thing. This is what makes people obsessive/compulsive :)

Also I have come to realize from talking with Pricilla my nurse, that come the beginning of August this weaning from the Prednisone is going to be sloooooooooooooooow sloooooooooooow process. So maybe another month or 2 till I’m off totally from it.

I swear I have gained 1lb every week. 123 today!!! I was like 118 3 or 4 weeks ago. I know I know I was complaining last year about being too skinny.

I’m not talking like, wow look my nice meaty bubble butt, kind of weight, or oh look at my nice muscles kind of weight gain. or I feel shapely and sexy, kind of weight.

I’m talking it feels like I have an inner tube around my body, you know one of those old fashion tire inner tubes you used to float on in a lake as a kid. And of course the moon face and kinda puffy neck

Lord, will I gain a pound a week till I’m off this stuff?

That vanity thing!!!...but truly it is kinda uncomfortable.

All I can do is laugh about it really.

Ah Prednisone the drug you love to hate, but damn I love it because it is healing me up. I talk to it before I put it in my body and say " Hey big guy, ok you are amazing, your are powerful, you know what you are doing, but lets make is snappy and lets take it easy on my body, OK. I’m just a little human woman here"

It doesn’t respond really, that would be weird. But I have been very lucky, I really have been.

Thanks for listening.

I feel goofy today and happy and my breath is flowing and I’m going to Chicago tomorrow.

And here I am I get to share it all with you lovely loving people that listen and pray and smile and laugh with me.

Thanks so much…

Have an amazing weekend.

All my love and purrrs and prayers right back at you!!!

Namaste
Victoria

A Roller Coaster of Ever Changing Emotions...

Good Morning Community

It is early here in SF, nearly 7PM. I’m sitting at my computer (a MAC :)) with my little bowl of pills, 6, not bad. Soon I’ll have to take 3 more. That’s the morning routine.

I thought I would send a quick email.

It has been a tough week for releasing pent up emotions and feelings and frustrations. I guess it started with the anger thing.

But still, under the influences of Prednisone or just feeling the weight of it all, lots is coming up.

It has been so challenging for Noah and I lately, things seen (like financial stuff) and unseen (the pressure of the 15 months of treatment and more treatment ahead). The going to the clinic and going to Walgreen’s, and not being able to do this, and crankiness and this hurdle and that hurdle. And then he has to travel for his job, and going to the store on my own or finding help, can I do it on my own.....the stairs are hard to walk up (at this time). I look like a puff ball and my head seems too big for my body, I’m bloated blah, blah blah.

Then it’s ok... I just cry, but crying and some of this stuff makes me anxious and that’s not good when you are trying to heal your lungs and breathe better. But then the crying also seems like a release too.

But I think..... wait I’m in Remission and alive and I should be jumping for joy, but jumping leaves me breathless. And still I want to be in the world. So I say slow down, slow down Victoria, today it is about healing. The world is out there it will wait. Things are being created for you right now. Don’t worry, you will know who you are and what you want to do. In right timing. Don’t worry, and in my mind I hold my heart like my mother would and I tell myself kind things.

So UGH. I remember as I have said in the past. This is a process and the way I am with it all is a practice and sometimes it is easy and I feel steady and in the moment and sometimes I fall apart. Hey I am only this small Human person on the huge Earth.

Friday was the first time I "fell" apart at the clinic, I cried when the nurse asked me how I was today, I cried talking to Bridget my nurse Coordinator, I cried when Noah and I talked to a social worker to find out about support groups for us, I cried when Pricilla came in to give me labs.

Geeez!!!

I guess even I, who is always pretty perky when I am at clinic and look forward to being there, get to have my moments.

So here we are Sunday. Feeling cleared in some way. My breath is good as it always is in the morning. A slight tension/hangover head ache from sleep aids.

But overall calm and reflective of the week that has passed.

And making commitments to the week ahead......total R&R and the practice of not letting my anxiety get out of hand and breathe of course and pray, without a doubt.

Saturday we are going to Chicago. A trip we planned before the lung stuff. I am still able to go, so far. Noah is in a convention part of the time. But the nature of the trip will change slightly for me. So whizzing around one of my favorite Cities.

Maybe just some strolling here and there, a little nap here and there and lots of sunscreen to shield me from the Midwest heat and sun.

We are going to see 2 Broadway musicals...The Color Purple and Wicked. I will be saving my energy on those days. Even if that means room service and movies all day.

That’s the nature of this. That’s the New Normal. This is it and it is beautiful in some ways, really, to know my body is rebuilding a new body from the inside out. And it is frustrating in some way...what is it like to be in the world in a "normal" way? No pills or clinic 2x a week...or this...or that.

Ah well. Today is a new day, a new moment to choose how I will be in it all, even if "IT ALL" is staying the same.

Today Noah and I are going to this retreat center to be with our Spiritual Community. Noah is doing a Sweat Lodge with a bunch of the people and I am going to do a little work in the kitchen (without overdoing it) to make the community meal. These things sustain me and fill me with peace.

We will be with a group of people who we love and they love us and we will be where its warm and lots of amazing trees and peace.

Have an amazing Sunday no matter where you are and whatever you do.

Let Love and peace and the moment fill your hearts.

Talk with you soon
Purrrs, Love, Peace and Prayers

Namaste
Victoria

Just thinking when I should be sleeping...

.....that sounds like a country song doesn’t it.....

I should be in bed but I feel a little burst of energy. Earlier I felt tired and breathless. I chose not to go to pipe because I felt too tired and didn’t want to walk up and down my stairs....well my lungs weren’t into it.

I am preparing for bed, doing the routine, eye drops, skin cream, meds, and brush teeth. I’m setting up my meditation CDs and pillows to prop my back up, cuz it makes my breathing a little easier.

It dawns on me...wow I am so used to this.....to THIS, and I found it strange and I had a bit of peace too.

But I thought its strange what becomes "normal". Is this what they mean by the "New Normal" when they talk about Post Transplant life? How long will this phase of the routine go on for? What my New Normal going to be.

I’m grateful that I am flowing and dedicated, I am very dedicated. But at the same time, I look forward to a day I am taking less meds, I’m going to work, and I’m not so obsessed about things.

I wonder what I will be like after all this discipline and routine. What will shift? Who am I becoming?

But who knows. I certainly don’t. But it’s something to look forward to.

For now this is my life and my life is precious and dear to me. My home is my temple. I’ve become obsessive about some things. You know when you spend a lot of time somewhere one can tend to become really anal.

But I’m relaxing more during this new healing time, and releasing more because of this healing time I’ve been going thru. So there are many gifts in it.

I hope after this phase I wont even know what anxiety is or when I do see it coming I know how to just allow it to pass and I don’t have to be overcome with all the worry I’ve had in the past.

I had my own little ceremony tonight and prayed in a way I haven’t in a long time. There with my little altar and candles and special pictures and things which have sacred meaning to me. The cats looking on as all the Holy Ones gathered to hear my prayers.

And I connected to my community who were praying at the same time elsewhere in SF.
It felt profound.

And I felt moved and healed on this really deep level.

And here I am 11PM, should’ve been asleep 2 hours ago.

I wanted to share the strangeness that passes thru my thoughts sometimes.

I am grateful and alive. I am breathing and at peace. I feel healed and am healing.

I feel deep love for this community, you guys that was formed by my intention to reach out and a need to share and release all that has transpired over the past 15 months. I had no idea that so many people would even want to read my ramblings.

So Thank you for reading and sharing and taking it in and praying and all the things that I probably don’t even know about. Thank you for being there for me.

Its bed time for me. Many of you may already be dreaming.

Thank you Thank you Thank you.

Namaste
Victoria

Just to say Hello...

Hi all

Its getting towards the end of the day here in SF and I just wanted to check in. Noah is away for work and I am feeling a little lonely. I don’t like the nights too much.

But I had a beautiful afternoon with my friend Tedra. I took her to see one of my favorite movies which I highly recommend....ONCE. Go see it!!! It will most likely be playing at a theater that plays independent films.
This is the 3rd time I have seen it and if any of you want to see it, I will go with you too.

It is just such a magical movie, amazing!!! I haven’t been too much into the blockbusters lately, waaaaaaaay too much violence for me taste. My heart can’t take it.

Still breathing a little heavy when I walk but my anxiety is much much lower.
I have been listening to this one CD before I go to bed, or at least once during the day. And I’ve listened to this other CD for anxiety when I wake up and a couple of times over the past few days.
Ill do the same tonight.
I just got another one in the mail today for a calming life. They seem to be helping. Even if I fall asleep listening to them, it still goes into the brain and shifts things.

Part of one of the CDs is for healing so I am using that to visualize healing up whatever is going on in my lungs, efficiently, swiftly and gently. This is my prayer.

I’m asking my sweet new immune system to make a comfortable home in my body and if she doesn’t have to fight anymore then settle in and enjoy the ride because I intend to take good care of us.
I’m ready to get stronger.

These are my prayers, my wishes, my needs, my visualizations, this is what I want. All with right timing and my highest good.

I hope things are cooling for those of you who are not in the direct City of San Francisco, I understand it is hot everywhere.

The Kitties and I are fine. I have a movie to watch tonight if I want, or I can put my CDs in and relax and heal.
Tomorrow is clinic and my pipe circle. I am taking care of and being checked in on.

I guess I just miss my husband and really wish he was here.

Anyway, have a beautiful evening. Go see ONCE. Share in my vision for my healing. Have a vision for yourself too. They are might effective.

Big love and prayers and Purrrrrrs to all of you.
Sweet Dreams

Namaste
Victoria

Ah, that's so much Better...

Hello Dear Community

Than you so much for all the support many of you sent out “allowing" me to have my anger. I am going to remember that it is not that bad emotion it is cracked up to be, it really does get a bad name. But it is freely to let it go. I’m not talking about in violent ways; I’m talking about constructive ways. Ways to honor and give it attention. We are human after all.

Today I am going to have a little anger release ritual with my friend so I am very excited about that.

I don’t feel as angry anymore and I feel lighter. Still tough breathing when I walk up steps, but a little less anxiety which is good.

The protocol is 4 weeks on Prednisone at 20mg, I also have an inhaler that has this weird kinda powdery stuff in it that I guess is a form of pred, and I am using that 2x a day. So we shall see. Resting seems to be helpful even doing a little yoga. I actually do pretty well in yoga. Just not too much walking around fast or going up and down a lot of stairs. At the end of 4 weeks I will take another Pulmonary Function test and then Doc Martin will decide from there. He feels good that this will take care of it and I do too.

I have a few Meditation CDs and started listening to them yesterday. One put in me in a nice deep sleepy place and I took an hour nap afterwards. So I think this will be my practice. Naps, Meditation ( which is very new to me), taking 'er easy attitude, good thoughts for myself and my healing at this phase, visualize beautiful healthy vibrant lungs and a calm spirit, and IF I get frustrated, get mad if I need to, not directed at anyone, just declare it, ya know.

I hope you have a beautiful Sunday. And that your hearts are full of Love and Gratitude and that you are loving your breath!!! Big love to all you. I know out east and the Mid west it is really hot, stay hydrated and enjoy the sun in a safe way. But do enjoy these beautiful summer days and nights

Just a little reminder, I know it seems like so far away. but here you go anyway

Light the Night - Thursday October 18th
Justin Hermann Plaza, San Francisco

If you live in the Bay Area and you want to Join:
http://register.lightthenight.org/LTNRegistration/app

If you want to donate to me (well to LLS.org):
http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanFr1/2124_Apronkittie

PS. It was foggy here all day and is foggy again right now. It’s still early here tho. Maybe it will blow off and reveal the blue sky to us, that’s the mystery of San Francisco.

Namaste
Victoria

Anger, what Anger....Im a good Girl...

Hello All

I still can’t believe that it is summer and it is JULY for goodness sake. Time just keeps doing its own thing, silly us to think we can change that. ;)

I guess this is going to be a different kind of email because I am not full of totally positive thoughts and enlightening things to say.

I am angry really. That anger I have been holding back since April 30 2006 wants to come out and have some outlet and wants me to give it some attention. I think that it’s important, or so I am realizing now.

Today I heard from my nurse and they are going to go back up on my prednisone 20mg because of my difficultly breathing.

They are not "alarmed". Although it scares the crap out of me....My chest X-rays show nothing, I have pretty good Oxygen up take at 97; sometimes it’s even 100 and 99.

The big deal is my pulmonary function test. the numbers were a little lower then they like that "could" indicate GVHD of the lungs.

Now of course I was alarmed at this after Brenda's death. but apparently there are different levels of GVHD.

For example I had very mild GVHD on my face, some people look like burn victims, some people get some stomach stuff so bad that they have to go to the hospital and get IV everything. I have been very blessed. I am grateful.

I have had none of these things. But this is the protocol. Prednisone. Work dammit. This is Victoria and she has got some stuff to do, mainly healing and be in the world with my big beautiful life. I am here to serve.

I am NOT happy about it, this uping the Prednisone thing.

I do NOT like Prednisone. I don’t like taking more Xanax just so I don’t feel whacked from the Steroids.

I am angry and tired of all this routine and meds and not looking like myself and not feeling my power that is in my spirit. I want to have my life back darnit all.....I mean f**K!!!! It has been 15 months. I get tired of it all.

I do everything right, I try to put on a brave, kind happy, face. I see this is a journey. I really do.

But I’m mad.

I’m ready to STOP. I’m not ready to die.....NO NO NO I am going to live. No giving up here. I have stuff to do. I am here to be of service and live and share my heart more with the world. I have a lot to give.

So I’m mad that I am trapped inside these limits. This strong fierce woman that I am. I mad and angry.

I don’t resent God; I am just like....come on please keep helping me out. Help me out on this one too. What ever that is that’s taking my breath away lets take care of it quickly. Please lets make it quick and gentle, please gentle and quickly.

I can’t do these things I want to do gasping for air and whacked out on steroids and Xanax. I can I serve you Creator gasping for air. I want to serve you full and whole and strong.

Then I am overcome with guilt for being so mad, but its there so I have to give it some time or it will eat me alive.

I’m still a good girl, just an angry one right now.

You can bet tomorrow I will go to clinic armed with questions and share a little bit of my anger in a respectful way and demand some clarity about what the deal is and what the plan is. I am a part of it. Tell me where we are going with all of this.

So there you go pearls of wisdom, maybe. The truth of what today is for me, yes for sure.

Still grateful for being alive of course.

Still faithful and fighting and creating a vision for my life and my healing, you bet.

But Anger, ok I understand it is time to give you a change to roar and I am roaring. Anger lets Roar together.

I want to go to the top the Kite Hill, the beautiful hill by my house and sit under this beautiful old tree that has this little stump like stool built into just the same size as my butt.
I want to sit under her and scream really loud.

Dogs poop up there on that hill I should be able to yell. It doesn’t even leave a mess.

So maybe Ill do that.

Remember that scene in that 70's Movie NETWORK where everyone threw their TVS out that the window and yelled "I’m mad and hell and I’m not going take it anymore"!!!!!

That’s what I’m talking about.

I love you all.

I’m grateful for all of you and the force of healing you have all played and continue to play in my life.

Thank you thank you thank you.

Please have a beautiful evening.

Namaste
Victoria

Breathe in Breathe out, where did my breath go?...

Hey all…

Happy summer.

I guess I am writing because I did to let out some steam and anxiety that is piling up inside my heart.

Things have been going well, and still are going well from the clinics point of view.

But lately I have been very short of breath having difficulty climbing stairs and moving too much or too quickly. This has just occurred since the end of last week.

After a normal chest Xray, and waiting for results from a CT Scan of my chest they think all is well. However, I did have a pulmonary function to test my lungs ability to take in and release H2O. Those numbers were lower. What that means, not to know yet since my doc won’t be back till Friday.

But my O2 uptake is good at about 97 and blood pressure is normal.

I just have so much pressure that to me feels like anxiety courtesy of the pred and the exhaustion of this constant routine.

One fellow patient said that whenever they lower her pred she has shortness of breath and not to worry. I’m hoping this is what it is because they just lowered it last week.

UGH. I’m scared and driving Noah crazy with my craziness and then that makes us both sad. I’m trying to go slow and be aware of my reactions to all these things, but it is so hard to be good and calm all the time. I feel like I burden, I want to do things around here but need help and get frustrated and more anxious. I stop, I lay down, I do a little yoga breathing.

Today I just feel like crying and sleeping. And since I’ve done that most of the day. I’m going to my pipe circle and pray with all my heart.

Sorry for all the complaining, its just been one of those days. I know praying and sitting with Creator and my heart and just let it pour out will help a lot.

Slow slow slow, breathe in breathe out, savor it all, take my meds and close my eyes to nap. Be grateful and positive and visualize full healthy breath filled with peace and no anxiety. This is all I can do.

I am so faithful that Creator is so large and so full of love that there is enough healing for all of us, even when it seems that there are others who are suffering. I’m not sorry for asking for helping and praying for myself. I pray for others too. There is enough for all us.

So please when you pray or meditate remember that.

I love you all…

Here is to the biggest loveliest breaths we can each take.

And hey if anyone can recommend a relaxation DVD I can listen to in these moments, please let me know.

Love and prayers and healing for all of us.

Namaste
Victoria

Join us or Donate to Light the Night...

Hello Lovely Community

I hope your hearts are filled with the warmth that only summer can bring. Even the City has been sunny and bright.

I am happy to announce that we are once again forming Team Victoria and walking Light the Night on Oct 18th 2007. Last year we had a nice size group and that was with very little effort. So we are starting early in the hopes to get a huge team and are able to raise a nice amount of money for LLS.org

If you are not in the Bay area and want to donate I will give you the link to my direct webpage for donation.

I think that each participant needs to raise at least $100.00 to walk. How hard can that be? 20 friends or coworkers $5.00 each, and for such an amazing cause. It is fun you get tee-shirts, food, and a balloon that glows. And as an extra added bonus, I think I am going to be one of the speakers at the event itself, something I promised myself I was going to do when I was there last year.

I learned that 75 cents on each dollar goes to research and programs that help support patients and their families. The Leukemia, Lymphoma society was solely responsible for the funding and research of a new drug called Gleevec that is helping a lot of people with Chronic Myelogeneous Leukemia. It also helps to fund many research project at Stanford and UCSF. So it goes to show you how important fundraising is. This money is not coming from government funds, Ill tell you that much.

So it is up to us!!!

I had the honor of speaking at an event this week geared towards getting corporations to create teams. I stood up and gave my story. I realized and expressed that what I have realized during this past year is that it is our true human nature to want to help. And it is our nature to want to get help.

Most of the time we just have to be asked.
So I am asking.
Join the team if you live near by.
Donate if you can’t be with us in body.

This is not just in honor of me. It is to remember my friend Brenda and her big strong spirit and fight. This is to honor my friends that are still fighting to even get in Remission. This is for all of us that want to LIVE a long healthy life and to one day find a cure.

Here is the URL if you want to join the team:
http://register.lightthenight.org/LTNRegistration/app

And here is the URL if you want to donate under my team. All will go towards Team Victoria but each participant set their own goal. I am going to 1,000. But who knows that may change:

http://www.active.com/donate/ltnSanFr1/2124_Apronkittie

Thank you so much for all of you continued love and prayers for my continued healing. Thank you for extending those prayers for all of us fighting Blood Cancers.

Big Love and Sweet Dreams.

Namaste
Victoria