Back from a Beautiful weekend...

Hello Lovely Community…

Happy Summer…!!

Can you believe it is near the end of June already? Time just has its own way of happening, and certainly is rarely inline with the way we want it to happen.

I feel good and very rested and peaceful after our weekend away to the Mountains. Mount Lassen was the most amazing place I think I have seen yet in California.


Wow I was telling a friend I didn’t see one Eagle, which I guess are all over the place up there. But I will tell you that God was in every single thing we saw and experienced. Our hearts were so peaceful and we were so sweet and dear to one another.


The place we stayed The Weston House, is owned by this wonderful woman Angela Weston. She had great stories and was going thru her own various health and spiritual healing so it was nice to speak with her.

It was so hidden away and was so peaceful over looking this amazing valley. We both got lots of rest and I was very happy to find that the internet connection was very slow to non-existent, which was the answer to my hope for a low tech weekend.


I did very well with the altitude when we were in the park we were over a mile up and the beautiful hike we went on was just the right speed for us. There was still snow in areas and it was fun to touch it and experience that in June.

Honestly, I feel so blessed that I was able to be there and celebrate with my sweet Husband and Nature.


We took the less taken road on our last day to Harbin hot Springs in Middletown, CA and drove around Clear Lake, the largest Lake in California. It was just breathtaking and HUGE.

We arrived at Harbin hoping for some peaceful times in the hot spring pools, but little did we know there was the tail end of a festival happening. UGH, we didn’t feel like going into the pools plus it was so hot and humid so we rested in our room and went to our favorite town, Calistoga (about 20 miles over one of the mountains between Middletown and Calistoga) for my Birthday dinner.

Sunday AM early we did dip into the pools for a bit, have a yummie healthy organic breakfast, and then had wonderful massages before heading back to SF.

My eyes are doing really well, the rash is getting better, I’m puffy in the face, have this puffy hump on my back near my neck, and feel puffy all around my belly. But this is part of Prednisone. But the prednisone is healing the eyes, the rash, and sloooooowly my mouth. And all the puffiness will go away when the Prednisone goes away in about 3 to 5 weeks.

Today for the first time 2 of the 3 red blood counts were normal. Everything is doing well. I do feel good. My mind just likes to mess with me and get me all turned around and cranky and worried, but I am doing well and I am smiling more.


I’d have to say the most frustrating thing at this point (besides the vanity issues of puffiness and rashie face), is the mouth issues. I really want to eat but lots of things prompt the rash of weird uncomfortable but not painful bubbles. They feel like the bumps you would see on a frog or toad, ick. They are more a pain in the butt then the mouth.

But we are working on them and actually today they seem ok. I couldn’t get an appointment with a specialist till the end of July. Gosh I do hope they are better by then. But someone will see them sometime soon, maybe only to tell me they are gone.

I’m praying for a cancellation so I can go earlier.

Doc Martin told me today that this doctor Sol Silverman, the specialist is like 81 years old so he doesn’t work all that much. So what can you do? The guy needs a little down time to enjoy his 81 years, ya know.

Pray he can squeeze me in though. I even left a plea directly to the doc himself on his voice mail so you never know, I’ve been pretty lucky.

I basically have to eat really mild food and this is all only temporary. And this is good. And this is part of it.

This is where I am and where I need to be.

So again I just do my routine, rest when I need it, breathe, pretend I don’t look the way I do ;)…

Shine my beauty from the inside out…

I am soo soo soo grateful to be alive and be in Remission and am able to still experience my life the way I have been. So gentle and mindful and peacefully. Too bad it took this to realize that this is a pretty nice way to live.

In the moment
In Gratitude
Walking a Prayer
Seeing Beauty in everything, even in the suffering in a way
Carrying love and peacefulness and Gentleness in my heart
Letting my anxiousness go to be replaced with Peace
Having Faith
Loving myself
Loving my life
Loving my family and my community


This is what I have learned so far from Surviving Cancer and it can be a way to be just trying to pay your bills and live your regular life.

Big prayers and love for all of you.

Namaste
Victoria

Slowly Slowly the GVHD takes its time...

Hello Lovely and Loving Community…

I don’t know when the last time I wrote but it feels like its time for another update.

I hate to send emails where I am always complaining. But darn it all this has been a challenging process these past 2 months or so
I know it could be worst. and I really have very minor GVHD.
But blah!!!! Blah!! Blah!!

But what I find I have been really fighting with are the meds that are either making me hyper or sedating me. It is a struggle and surrender has not been easy. I often don’t know what emotions are mine or from the meds. I guess they are all mine anyway.

I wake up at 6 AM full speed ahead. I have tried to master this by either moving very slowly in the morning, enjoying the experience of the first sunrise, doing some yoga, going for my 2 mile walk, or tiring to stay in bed to fall back asleep. It is always different.
But surrender I reckon is the key.
These meds I’m given are a gift, just like my healing and the prayers, so in the same heartfelt way I practice a way to welcome them and what they are offering me.

I do talk with them tho.....I am asking to take it easy on me and do your work quickly and it feels like we are working together.

I’m down to 15ml on the pred and 1 less Xanax but still by 4pm I am sooo soo tired, unless I try to take a nap I can barely keep my eyes open.

Its an experiment in progress. I’ve only been able to take a couple of naps
And excepting that, nope this is not the way I want to feel, Can I change it right now, not really, so why fight it. Lay down darn it all, nothing has to get down right now. Close your eyes Victoria, why is that so hard.

My Birthday is Sunday June 24. Noah and I leave for a peaceful nature filled weekend. I so need it. He does too he has been working his butt off. I have been praying for peaceful interaction between us, slowing way down, very low tech and just a connection with beauty of that area of the state and its beauty.

I will be loaded up with 70SPF sunscreen, my huge sunglasses, and a big brim hat, even long sleeves if I have to. I must keep my skin totally protected, especially while my face is healing from the rash.

It is but very slowly.

I went to the dermatologists today and got a stronger cream and a biopsy ( I have no idea why, I guess to see if it is getting worse or better, to have a base line). There were 3 docs in the room and I have not one idea what they were talking about only bits and pieces
I told them to call my doctor so he can lay it out for me.

Its not bad they are just doing their doctor thing which I appreciate. They just want to understand where the GVHD is

The eyes are nearly 100% and I am only putting fake tears in about 1x a hour or less. This is good. My mouth seems to be getting better especially the past couple of days.

So slowly slowly we move thru this healing.

Well it is nearly 11PM here and I have pills to take, stuff to gargle with, eye drops to put in, and pills to help be sleep to take.

I’ll write more after the trip to Lassen.
Have a beautiful weekend.
Lots and lots and lots of prayers back to each and everyone of you.

Please remember my friend Liza Matlack and Andria Hakker, who are still trying to get into Remission after their bone Marrow transplants.

Love love love and Huge Gratefulness

Oh yes and Happy Summer!!!!

Namaste
Victoria

Repeat 10X Prednisone is my Friend...

Hi there all…

Man, will the fog ever go away in San Fran. It’s so strange living here sometimes. What month is it? Is it Spring, Fall, Winter??? Where are my shorts and the warmth of the sun? Sunshine where are you...Oddly enough it is only about 20 minutes away just over either of the 2 bridges here. But here we are all in the Womb.

Then one day the sky opens up and the womb releases everyone and we forget that it was ever foggy. And everyone is out in the parks and playing and feeling reborn. That’s how it works here, that’s the joy of San Francisco and the mystery



Well I’m still on The P (Prednisone) for another 2 to 3 weeks. My eyes are better but the doc wants them to be 100% better. ****pout*****

So I’m like, well then put me on something for these moods because I am driving myself and everyone around me, crazy. So they have me on Xanax. I’ve never been on Medication like that before.

So I take the Xanax then a little while later the "P", then a little while after that another Xanax. This is supposed to balance me out. It’s only been 2 days so we shall see. I feel a little sedated at times but that’s better then feeling like a pinball.

I am definitely feeling like a little Chemical Factory.

This is about healing this GVHD though.

So I say, Thank you GVHD, you did a good job on my body, you were overall good to me and so gentle. So lets bid each other farewell. Give me my tears back, I want my mouth not to get little blisters inside when I eat, I want the rash to go away. No more sedatives...

So lets work together.

I complain a lot! Geeez.

So maybe, if I’m really nice and just keep doing my best to be calm and breathe soon this will be behind me.

GVHD likes is much better when I am calm and breathing. Then it slowly goes away. It is the teacher right now and I, its humble student

I decided not to go to my friend’s party next weekend, for the health and well being of body and emotions and stress. Too much work for a person hopped up on a lot of stuff.

Ill rest and learn the joy of naps (I just woke up from one). I’ll re-embrace my routine of meds and drops. And surrender to The Pause ( I phrase I read the wonder Author Alice Walker use)

And Ill remind myself that 3 even 4 weeks is nothing compared to my whole future continued healthier and healthier life ahead of me.

So Community, please if it is Spring where you are and you are starting to feel those warm spring breezes, and mild evenings. ENJOY!!!!

We are here about to have a fire, light a million candles in the house and watch a comedy.

Prayers, Purrrrs, and the Warmth that Love can only bring even on a cold Foggy San Francisco night.

Namaste
Victoria

Subtleness of Healing...

Oh my goodness…

I just realized it has been a while since I wrote last….!!

Back from Detroit last week. We had such a wonderful time. I’m so happy we got to visit with so many people and be in gratitude for all the love Noah and I constantly receive. It was overwhelming at times, but we can take it. I had to sit down a couple of times there was so much love coming my way. Not a bad thing at all.

Thank you for all of those people that I got to see, thank you for being in my parents lives and taking such good care of them. Thank you for being such an amazing community.

And oh my gosh it was so so so so wonderful seeing my Grandma. I love her so much. I want to go back before winter sets in, just to be in her presence again.



The trip went well, health wise. I napped when I could almost every day, the flight was easy, and the eyes are much much much better. As usual my parents are amazing and fun and so understanding and peaceful. Noah was lovely with everyone and insisted on giving hugs instead of handshakes. I loved that. He has such a dear, dear heart.

This week maybe I will get the thumbs up to lower the prednisone. Its up to the eye doc and what he sees. I can tell it is better then it was even at the beginning of the week. Man that is some subtle Medicine and some strong Medicine at the same time. The healing from the GVHD is slowish (but mostly because I am impatient), but it is really working. Every week, every day, something falls away and something is healed.

I’m happy I am on such a low dose and am so sensitive that what they have me on is doing the trick.

I swear I take the little pill in my hand and I pray and we have a little talk and I thank it for doing its work, but be gentle on me. And it listens and God listens and all is well.

The face is a little puffy, I want to eat everything in sight, and I’ve done some serious spring cleaning, and have made so much space in our home. It feels good but I must look like a crazy person sometimes when I am moving around like a ball in a pinball machine.

Then I want to crash, but I can sleep because I feel hyper. I cry about an hour or so after I take my first pill of the morning. I’m cranky and sometimes I don’t even know why I am being cranky. Just snappy and sassy, but not in a cute way.

Noah has been more patient then I have ever seen him.

So I take each moment as it comes. Today I feel good. I promised that I would go back to sleep if I woke up too early this morning but, I didn’t I was up at 6:30, finding something that "HAD" to get done. Nap time later! Yes I did do a few things around here. And here I am writing, which I have been wanting to do.

I am past the 6 month part and in remission, I’m right where my docs want me to be. They say I am doing really really well. But yet I feel this itching inside, not so much like impatience. More like....come on lets get on with it. I guess that is impatience.

My hair is not blowing in the breeze, I’m not frolicking around City, I have the pill, eye drop, face cream, sunscreen, eat at this time, but not at that time routine. I feel tethered at times.

So then I realize, ah yes 1 year or so recovery. They did mention that. Where am.... I’m only at 6 months I see that now. Rebuilding a body takes time, especially if you want a good healthy one. Wow how will it feel, what will I be able to do again. What will continue to be a challenge? What will I WANT to do with myself when I get to be out in the world with the apron strings cut?

It’s a parallel Universe recovering from Cancer. But I am doing it. I’m trying to find Grace and even have manage to laugh at myself.

I really look forward to going to clinic to see everyone I have gotten to know, and new faces arriving. It is healing and it is uplifting and it is a reminder and it is a beautiful thing at times too.

It really is all Blessed. I feel Blessed and held and taken care of, even when I am stomping my feet inside and thinking UGH!!!

I get to go away for a friend’s Bday for a day and a night and be in nature and take in the beauty of all that is green and alive and not cement and electric. I love nature. Oh what it gives to us if we allow it to.

Noah and I get to go to a beautiful area in CA called Mt Lassen for my Bday at the end of June ( June 24 is the official day) We get to do gentle hikes and see birds and flowers and waterfalls, and mountains, and valleys and stars and feel the silence of the outdoors. We have a Bed and Breakfast we'll be staying at that sounds like it is at the top overlooking a valley. For 2 nights we get this bliss. And if that isn’t enough we are ending our trip at a spa for massages, dips in natural hot springs and a yummie dinner.

So here I am getting to do these things. Connecting with Mother Earth, with God, with all things natural, with each other. And to celebrate. That I am turning 45. What a gift to be alive and to be able to be 45.

So although it has been a rough 2 months, things are becoming clearer. And I am feeling better. And I am feeling happier. And I know the Joy is in my heart, I just forget and get wrapped up in fear and worry.

But the joy is always there…

Its here now…

And I want to send some of this Joy to you, its overflowing my heart so there is plenty to go around.

In SF, it’s foggy. I think that means I should stay in on the couch, being mellow and letting my body rest.

Enjoy your Spring day.

May it be full of love and joy and Gratitude for this amazing Earth we get to live on.

Purrrrrrs
Love
Prayers

Namaste
Victoria